So far Survivor: One World has been relatively boring this season. I know, I know, there’s only been one episode, but really, who stood out from that episode? Colton, who mostly stands out because he’s darn pathetic. Nobody else is interesting and we didn’t even see anyone voted out last week, as an injury took that out of the tribe’s hands. As a result, One World is off to an incredibly weak start. There weren’t even any “watercooler moments” worth talking about with co-workers the next day. Does the second episode making things any better? Only if you liked all of the helplessness of the first episode, albeit minus the misogyny that really made the men’s team annoying.

The episode beings with the women trying to bring some organization to their world, which is a good move. Tribal council revealed they desperately needed some. Still, that move winds up frustrating the older members of the women’s tribe, who already suspect the alliance between the younger players. Suspecting isn’t enough though: what are they going to do about it? That alliance won’t mean much if the women can’t rally together and find some victories.

Jeff Probst told fans there would be some unusual challenges this season – challenges without a host, or “Do it yourself” reward challenges. This week we get to see the first of these as the two tribes receive boxes they are encouraged to bring to a neutral place. Reading the instructions reveals that each box contains ropes that have knots that have to be untied to get to a ring. No host makes the challenge feel very “Big Brother” ish, which I don’t like, but it’s an interesting expansion to the Survivor world. The winner receives a tarp. Without Probst yelling out cheers and jeers, however, the challenge doesn’t quite have the pacing of other Survivor moments. The guys get to their ring first, winning a tarp. Both tribes get to keep their rope and boxes though, so a clever team might be able to make some shelter out of that. Too bad there aren’t many clever players here..

It doesn’t take long for the episode to focus on Colton the outcast, and man is he selling the “helpless little me” card. He claims he has nothing in common with the guys when he’s encouraged to build some relationships with them and he’d rather hang out with the women. The women are becoming intolerant of him as well, especially Sabrina, which may make his time in this game very limited. Again, it’s nothing personal, but he’s not even trying to play the social game. How do people not understand the importance of that part of Survivor by now? Instead the drama queen has a meltdown in the girl’s camp, further alienating himself from both sides.

Colton further shows his cluelessness as he attempts to form an alliance with some of his male counterparts. His first bad move: revealing that he has the immunity idol, gifted to him last episode. His second bad move: allieing with one of the most random collections of people in this game, at least one of whom is probably already in another alliance. The cocky college student says the game should be retitled, Survivor: Colton’s World. Yeah, weren’t you crying in the girl’s camp about having no friends just a few hours ago?

Challenge Time: Last season had some really demanding challenges, but I almost think the challenge team outdid themselves this time. Players line up on a balance beam, then one at a time they have to make their way down to one end, passing the other players along the narrow walking space (which really embodies the “One World” idea with a hell of a lot of love and hugs). Players can’t touch more than one other survivor at a time, which really causes a problem for the women. Not to be sexist, but the women are definitely built with a difficulty for this challenge, particularly the well-endowed members of the team. The men hit an early lead and keep on moving through the challenge, while the women fumble, fluster, and even randomly give up (Kat jumps in the water twice for no reason whatsoever). As a result, the men win immunity and the women are headed to tribal council. I guess Colton gets another couple of days on the island. Bummer.

The women rally together and Kat gives a lot of excuses for some of her silly moves during the challenge, which ruffles Sabrina a little bit. This is the second time Kat has looked rather silly this week (also see the show opening where she flinched at a bug while trying to talk big about being in charge of the fire), but the pressure is on Nina, mostly because she’s been compared to a bag of rocks and the walking dead so far this week. The older women really try to put the hairmarks on Kat though, and the result is edited well enough that tribal council should be fun to watch.

Tribal Council: Probst starts out Tribal Council by laying into the ladies for having one of the worst starts in the history of the game because of their own “total dysfunction” (hence the show title). The women play it rather cool at first, admitting their own problems: they aren’t getting to know each other, they are a divided tribe, etc. Nina loses some of her cool, however, when she blatantly targets Kat with a question and then some character attacks. If Nina was trying to win people over, she just lost it with a complete lack of subtlety.

Interestingly, the girls admit that if they could start over, the ladies would form a different alliance. Essentially, they are considering that their own alliance might be bringing the team down. Nobody should be locked into that alliance though – if the tribe is losing, they have to make some changes before they worry about their alliance. As last week, the “girl power” and unity quickly falls apart as the vote grows closer and closer, but I still get the vibe it’s all about Kat and Nina tonight. The two vote for each other, as we are allowed to see before Probst tallies the votes and…

The tribe has spoken:

Nina goes home.

Probst again spells it out for the women as they depart: they have got to get it together. While I don’t think keeping Nina around would have improved matters any, I’m not sure getting rid of her is going to help things either. My wife suspects this will wind up being a one-sided season and I’m starting to suspect she may be right. We’ll see if the women’s luck changes any next week, as Survivor: One World continues.

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I can’t quite figure out Act of Valor. There was very little buzz about the movie and then there was a huge advertising campaign – a marketing shock-and-awe if you will. The major marketing point is that the movie stars active Navy SEALs in a dramatization / reenactment of an actual Navy SEAL mission. The trailer really tries to blow potential audience members away with visuals that feel like they should be accompanied by a “exclusively in 3D” tag, but they aren’t. I don’t know if anyone here will be covering the movie, but with the connections to the real U.S. Military I can’t say I’d be very comfortable reviewing it myself – if giving a Tyler Perry movie a poor review elicits cries of “racism,” this one is sure to pull accusations of being unpatriotic or un-American.

Until this week, I hadn’t seen much about the thriller entry of the week, Gone, or as I like to call it, “Amanda Seyfried hasn’t picked a good role since Mean Girls.” The story centers around a girl (Seyfried) whose sister goes missing. The girl is convinced it’s a kidnapper who captured her the year before, but the police have no proof that the original kidnapper even exists. I lay even money that the filmmakers try to pull a High Tension and make Seyfried’s character a mentally-disturbed victim who has assumed the role of kidnapper, unbeknownst to herself. It’s a poor idea, but we’ve seen it on screen before and the trailer reeks of filmmakers trying to use it again.

Speaking of Tyler Perry movies, this weekend sees his latest one in theaters, Good Deeds. I don’t care for Perry’s Madea movies, but I usually like his films that don’t feature his trademark character and this looks to be no different. Yet again it looks like Perry’s story will transcend the race aspect with his tale of a rich man (Perry himself) who is jarred from his perfectly scripted life when he encounters a poor woman working in his office building. The rest is magic, but hopefully a magic that doesn’t require Perry’s character to have a romantic relationship with the woman, especially since he’s already married. We certainly wouldn’t want Perry to be accused of propagating poor racial stereotypes again, especially when the movie looks rather promising.

Finally, the odd-bird of the week, Wanderlust, a movie I knew nothing about until my wife pointed it out to me a few weeks ago. Since then I’ve seen more commercials, but nothing that makes this Paul Rudd comedy look any more appealing than the fact that it has Paul Rudd in it. The description about a big city couple moving to an off-the-grid commune has a very For Richer or Poorer vibe to it, only without the embezzlement, crime thugs, or Kirstie Alley.

Although we didn’t have a podcast this weekend, here are our picks for the week:

What are you going to see this weekend?

Well, several reasons, actually.

Last week one of our other writers wrote a list as to why you should quit playing WoW. It’s a list I strongly disagree with. So I offer this list, a counterpoint: reasons why you should keep right on playing World of Warcraft, or why you should definitely check it out if you haven’t yet.

1. Chances are a ton of your friends play Warcraft: With well over ten million subscribers, there are a ton of people spending there time within the game. Odds are that you know someone who plays, even if they’ve never openly mentioned it. The point is, people play WoW, and your friends play WoW, hence it’s another fantastic medium with which to spend some quality time hanging out with people you actually like. And if for some reason you just don’t have any friends that play? Well, it’s also a great place to start some friendships, whether within server communities or guilds. Each of those avatars is just another person at the keys. Why not say hello?

2. Warcraft is eight years old:  And still going strong, I might add. Let’s just say that there’s a reason my Super Nintendo Entertainment System is still hooked up in the living room, despite itself being twenty-one years old now. Age is simply not an accurate way to measure quality. Sometimes the old things are best, by simple virtue of doing things just right. The fact that WoW is still going strong after eight years should speak for itself. Where other MMORPGs have faded away, this one shines on, still plotting a course into the years ahead.

3. How many times can you beat the same game?  Well, if you like replay value, you’re in luck with WoW. Frankly there’s no end in sight. With constant additions to content, including new areas to explore and new challenges to best, there really isn’t a way to “beat” World of Warcraft, because there will always be something new just over the horizon. And if for any reason you manage to find an “end” of some sorts, well, pick up a new character class and give it a whirl – you’ll be surprised to find out just how different the game can be when you take on a new role.

4. Blizzard keeps resetting the skill trees/rebalancing:  Thank gravy for that. The fact that Blizzard pays as much attention to the game as they do is a blessing. If there are problems, they get fixed. Whether something is too strong, too weak, too useful, or too pointless, sooner or later it gets adjusted. Usually more than once. World of Warcraft is a constantly-changing game, which sure beats the heck out of a game with bugs that go unfixed for several months as the developers no longer follow up on their own game.

5. It’s really not all that expensive: Fifteen dollars a month. It might sound like a fair chunk of change when you just look at it, but if you check the math, it’s practically a bargain. The fee gets you an entire month of unlimited, unrestricted access to the game; hours and hours of entertainment and social interaction right at your fingertips! If you look at the possibility of spending twenty bucks on a night out at a bar, or at the movies, suddenly a meager $15 isn’t that big of a deal, not for an entire month certainly. Heck, cut that fancy Starbucks drink out of your morning routine three times in a month and you’re all set.

6. Other games just don’t measure up: There are plenty out there to try, too. Forsaken World, City of Heroes, Rift… The list is practically endless. But at the end of the day, they’re all very much like World of Warcraft, simply because WoW does it right. In fact, a fair number of the people playing these other games also play WoW as well, and are fairly quick to start drawing up comparisons to their favorite MMORPG despite currently spending their time in a completely different game. World of Warcraft is the powerhouse, and it’s the one that keeps players coming back.

7. The “Warcraft Time-Sink:” This sort of ties in to #3. The fact remains that there are always tons of things to do in WoW, enough that the average person simply can’t do and see everything. Regardless, there is always a potential for improvement, whether it be a new piece of gear, a new rare pet companion, or some ridiculous and absurd achievement. Since many players enjoy these aspects of the game, it might be better to refer to this as “entertainment” rather than a “time-sink.” Besides, it beats the heck out of watching CSI: Miami reruns on TV.

8. Other people playing World of Warcraft:  And there are a lot of other people. I won’t try to sugar-coat this – a fair number of those people are complete trolls that will give you a strong desire to build a device that will allow you to strangle people over the internet. But that’s practically true for any aspect of life, whether it’s Mr.-Blares-Loud-Music-All-Day in the cubical next to yours, or Ms.-Obnoxious-Ringtone-And-20-Minute-Conversation sitting behind you in the movie theater. Truth is, you can’t get away from them, and they’re in WoW too. But World of Warcraft also has good people, the helpful ones who offer advice, help you with a difficult task, or pass on something valuable to you just because they like your friendly attitude. You tend to get out what you put in, and WoW is no exception.

9. The “Warcraft-is-a-drug” hypothesis: We’ve all heard the stories about the guy who flunked out of college because he spent an entire semester shuttered away in his room, drinking soda and snacking on pizza while being completely glued to World of Warcraft. Those people certainly exist, and on some level, one could point to WoW as the problem. As Chris Tallant pointed out in his article, this is pretty much like blaming a pencil for creating spelling mistakes. Warcraft is a game, a medium of entertainment, no more dangerous or addicting than any other form of media out there. Just keep an eye on yourself if you play the game, and realize when too much is just too much.

10. There is a fantastic world in there: World of Warcraft hosts an amazing, ever-changing world, full of new people to meet, new challenges to face, and a seemingly-endless pile of stuff to find. That’s what keeps players coming back. But remember too that the people you meet in WoW also have their lives outside of the game as well. Frankly there’s no reason why friendships and adventures have to end when you log off. In fact, I’m very much looking forward to driving half-way across the country this summer in order to meet up with some great friends and guildmates I’ve met over the past few years. And no, we won’t be playing WoW, we’ll be staying at a cabin in the mountains!

When all is said and done, when the smoke clears and the dust settles, when numerous other MMORPGs have come and gone, World of Warcraft still stands over the rubble, a monument to success in the genre. It’s the go-to game, and for many great reasons. By all means, try out other games, but should you ever find one of them lacking in one department or another, just keep in mind that WoW is likely not too far away, and neither are the friends you’ll make there.

Now to convince my guildmates that we need to try this whole “inflatable submarine” thing…

The truth is something far different, as most WoW devotees can tell you. Not only can you get to know people well in the game, but you can grow to care for them quite dearly. When you spend twenty, thirty, forty hours a week with a community of people, often closely involved in group activities, you can get to know them quite well indeed. And though hearing voices in Vent does serve to make the final connection that these are, in fact, real and dynamic people, there is so much more that brings us together and solidifies friendships. It goes beyond normal daily social interaction, past celebrating birthdays. You find out who is struggling in what class or excelling in another. Who has a baby that is teething or a son that is getting married. Who is facing lay-off, and who is taking on a second job to make ends meet. From musical tastes to religion to medical concerns, you can get to know your WoW guildmates as intimately as you would any friend that you meet “in real life”. When you spend months and even years with them, your guildies can actually become like a family.

The next logical step, of course, is to meet in person.

Guild get-togethers are a great way to do this, and provide a safe venue for anyone tentative about meeting “internet friends” in all their real-life nerdy glory.  My guild is in the process of planning our second “convention”, and the first was such a wild success that many of us are eagerly looking forward to the gathering this summer. I expect it to be even bigger and better than the first. Of course, there are a lot of factors to consider when planning a grand soiree. Not only are you trying to gather people who are spread all over North America or maybe even on other continents (we’ve had a both an Aussie and a Kiwi in our guild), but you’ve also got to consider diverse financial resources, as well as things like school schedules (we have both teachers and students in our guild), holidays (Canada & the US aren’t always on the same schedule!), and age (those teens who really want to attend but have understandably-wary parents). Keeping all of those aspects in mind, here are some points to consider in planning an IRL guild gathering:

Location, Location, Location

Choosing the host location is probably the hardest part – well, after agreeing upon a date that works for the majority. If your members are mostly focused in one area or on one coast it’s a little easier to pick a meeting spot, but in my guild we have a lot of East coasters, a lot of Midwesterners, and a lot of West coasters. The biggest barrier to settling on a location is travel, of course, since it’s expensive, and if you’re crossing borders there are things like passports to consider too. I chose to host our first gathering at my home since I live in the middle of the US, near a fairly large city. It’s more or less centralized, has easy access to airports, and a lot of possibilities for group activities.

There are other fun options for host locations if you don’t want to invite people to your home. There are many gaming conventions held around the country – meeting up at BlizzCon would be a blast, but there are other, smaller gaming conventions held all over and it could be interesting to gather at one of those and check it out together. We’re planning to head to the mountains of North Carolina for this year’s gathering, to a spot picked by one of our guildies. Though this should catch a lot more of the East coasters than were able to come to the last meet-up, several of our West coasters just won’t make it to this one because of the distance.

Epic Flying (not everyone can afford it irl either)

Actually getting to the gathering is probably the single biggest barrier for attendance. In practice it seems that most guildies really want to meet up but just can’t afford to fly, and either don’t have a car or don’t have the time to drive halfway across the country. Carpooling will help, as will planning early enough to hunt for cheap plane tickets. If you’ve got people flying in you may also need to coordinate travel from (and to) the airport if the fliers won’t be renting a car – be sure to ask about this. Consider the travel issues when you pick a gathering location.

But I don’t have a barracks?!

Hosting our first gathering at my home was easy because I live in a large house on a 300 acre farm. There was plenty of room for people to crash in spare bedrooms, on a couch, or in tents around the house. However, if you’re not comfortable having a bunch of “strangers” (you haven’t met them quite yet!) at your home or just don’t have the room, be prepared to arrange for lodging, even if it’s just providing a listing (with websites, preferably) of the nearest hotels. You may even go so far as to contact one of those hotels yourself and see if you can get a discount on a block of rooms if you have a large number of people coming. Since we’re headed out to the mountains this year, we’ll be staying in a cabin that sleeps 10, though we may be squishing people in if more than that show up.

Food and, uh, Flasks

If you’re hosting, make sure you have plans for every meal even if you’re not actually cooking them all yourself, and, more importantly, poll your guildies about food allergies – and preferences – before the event. It’s not something that typically comes up in guild chat, so be sure that you ask. If you’re planning to eat out, make sure that people know that in advance too. Remember the economic diversity of your guildies (career professional vs poor college student, etc) and don’t assume that just because you can afford a spendy meal out, everyone else can too…especially if they had a lot of travel expenses.

As far as alcohol goes, just keep in mind the ages of your guild members and be sure there’s at least one responsible adult around to keep an eye on things if you have minors around and there’s any drinking of adult beverages. This person doesn’t have to be a fuddy-duddy, just trustworthy… and sober, of course.

Yo, what’s on the schedule?

Though the main activity will probably be chatting and getting to know each other in person (at long last), it’s ideal to have some activities planned to help break the ice a bit. No matter how well you think you know someone from all that time spent together online, there are still the inevitable moments of awkwardness when you’re sitting in the same room for the first time – especially as a group. Having some activities that serve as a distraction is helpful. I freaked my guild out by telling them during the planning stage that I was going to take them to the local farmer’s market; since they’re mostly youngish guys, this sounded more than a little boring to them.  But I live about 20 minutes from one of the biggest farmer’s markets in the US and literally thousands of people come to it every weekend – it’s an event like few others. My guildies were awed at the size of the crowds, and got to experience a bit of the flavor (pun intended) of the area, plus we picked up plenty of delicious, locally-grown foods for the weekend… and we got to watch first-hand as one of our guildies – an Auction House master – bartered down the price of a cinnamon roll from one of the vendors, quite a hilarious transaction.

Out-and-about trips weren’t the only events we enjoyed. We also held a Mastery Chess Tournament (PvP!) and the Most Epic Risk Game Evah (aka M.E.R.G.E. – more PvP!), and we tried to go to a nighttime corn maze, where we were going to split into groups and race to the finish (PvE, ha!), but a car accident (not ours) at the entrance of the maze prevented admittance. Undaunted, we went home and roasted marshmallows and set off fireworks instead. The sky is the limit for fun activities (unless you have fireworks), but definitely have some planned because it’ll ease any residual nervousness about meeting “new” people and will make the gathering especially memorable, drawing your guild members even closer together.

The only other point I’ll add is to poll the guild about whether they will want to play WoW while they’re visiting. If there’s a lot of interest in this you’ll need to consider accommodations for it, especially if people are camping in your yard! Do you have the network setup to handle it, and is your internet reliable enough to handle the numbers? If not, figure out how you’re going to accommodate. When I polled my guild most people said they wanted to play, but in reality there was just no time – people wanted to visit, not set up computers and be stuck behind a screen. Between food, music, games, and chatting, there was no time for WoW.

IRL guild gatherings are a lot of fun and I highly encourage you to do this with your own guild. With a little bit of careful planning you can host an event that your guildies will talk about for years. And don’t forget to document it! Take lots of pictures and do daily updates on the guild website for anyone who isn’t able to attend. That may be sufficient motivation for them to attend future gatherings!

~ Alora

We first meet the contenders as they gather together in the Lincoln Center. We get some interesting initial impressions. For instance, you have George Takei, who I’m voting most likely to take himself the least seriously – he jokes about himself where others are bragging about their achievements. You have Arsenio Hall, who Trump himself asks what the comedian has been up to more recently than his long-cancelled late night show. And you have Victoria Gotti, who looks like she’s been getting along nicely since she lost her part as the Crypt Keeper on Tales from the Crypt. Seriously, the infamous mob boss daughter looks like the walking dead, with a a ridiculously flamboyant wig to nicely set off her rotting flesh.

Speaking of flamboyant, the contestants enter the Lincoln Center where they are met by Trump and a live orchestra playing the music for Celebrity Apprentice. The decadence is ridiculous at only a level Donald Trump can manage and you have to wonder if the orchestra followed him around the rest of the day playing the Imperial March.

Trump introduces some of the contestants, but we really only see a few, which is particularly surprising considering the show’s bloated two-hour running time. Very little time is spent establishing who these people are and Trumps interviews are dominated by Arsenio Hall and Lisa Lampanelli. The Donald announces that he’s splitting up the groups as usual, guys vs. girls, and he tasks the two groups to go back to their suites at Trump Tower and come up with a team name and a team leader for the first project.

After some mulling over different titles – mostly inside jokes that play with the contestant’s histories, the guys settle on the name “Unanimous.” Nobody volunteers to be project leader. Through a bit of commiserating, Paul Teutul, Sr. (American Choppers) winds up in charge, but we quickly get the sense that he’s selected to be more of a fall guy than anything else, just in case things go wrong.

On the girl’s side they come up with the name Forte. Patricia Velasquez (The Mummy and supermodel) volunteers. It’s a daunting move considering loudmouth Lisa Lampanelli couldn’t get anyone to shut up and listen only a few moments before.

The players reunite with Trump in the boardroom to deliver their names and find out the first challenge. Trump points out that the guys are down a player: Marco Andretti is mourning the death of someone important to him and will replaced by his father, Michael Andretti.

The Challenge:

Celebrity sandwiches. Each team will get a location where they will make and sell sandwiches. The winning team is the one that makes the most money between sales and tips. Allowing tips is a huge game changer because some of the larger personalities could get some hefty tips depending on how things are run. In fact, this winds up becoming the major part of the contest: who can get the most donations, instead of who can make the better sandwich.

The guys decide to take a carnival approach for their shop, using Penn Gilette (magician) as a barker and Lou Ferrigno (The Incredible Hulk) and Paul as musclemen. The discussion moves from design to donations. Some of the guys start tossing around figures but Paul shuts them all up when he says he can get half a million dollars. The other guys don’t even try to chase any donations because that’s a figure that’s practically guaranteed to win the contest. They move back to design, this time with the sandwiches. Adam Carolla (The Man Show) offers there are some easy sandwich titles based on the guy’s body of work (“The Hulk,” “The Chopper,” etc.) but Gillette wants to go strictly with “The Chopper.” This is putting everything on Paul’s shoulders. If he can get the half-million donation then that’s not a bad thing, but if the American Chopper star doesn’t see how things are being manipulated then he’s blind.

Over on the women’s team, Patricia also wants to go with a carnival theme but the women ultimately decide on a red carpet arrival idea for a club. They decide to have some people outside drawing people in, which breaks down into an argument over who is more recognizable. Aubrey O’Day complains in a confessional that she has the most Twitter followers and is one of the most recognizable faces, but neither my wife or I really know who she is, so I suspect she’s being a bit prideful.

As the episode moves through the two teams developing their shops, we get the sense that the guys might be at a disadvantage here. There are personality conflicts between Paul and George Takei for no real reason at all, and halfway through the first hour, Paul admits that he might have bitten off more than he can chew. Yeah, when everyone shuts up because of what you said, that’s a good indicator that you messed up. Paul’s rough edges become particularly visible when he has to interact with Ivanka Trump and refuses to answer some of her questions in a not-so-coy manner.

Where we didn’t really see Paul making a whole lot of calls (he said he was texting as he was working on sandwiches), we get a lot of time watching Patricia make calls on Team Forte. When it seems like she’s the only one fundraising for her team, we see some of the other ladies helping as well. The problem with this situation is well defined by Cheryl Tiegs, however: she’s saving her big guns for when she’s the one on the line. Meanwhile, Gotti is handling personal business instead of raising funds. I guess when you have a mob history, nobody is going to mess with you, as evidenced by Lampanelli commenting that she would give Gotti an “A” just for being there.

The day of the contest the women have a lot of work to do still, but it’s looking pretty good and it’s pretty clear there was a lot more work going into this that we didn’t see (again, why not? It’s a freakin’ two-hour episode – use the time better!). The only bug in the works is that Victoria Gotti doesn’t show up. She shows up over an hour later, claiming she had some sort of medical issue with her eye tearing up or something. My guess is she hadn’t finishing sucking down the souls of the innocent children that keep her alive, but I could be wrong.

Over on Team Unanimous, the carnival design looks really good, particularly with Penn Gillette doing what he does best to get people’s attention, juggling fire and talking a lot while Lou and Paul show off their “guns”. You have to wonder how they can keep that energy up all day though.

The contest looks very one sided through the editing. Forte has big celebrities like Carol Alt and Wyclef Jean showing up and donating funds. The ladies are clearly racking up big money with Katie Ford, Russell Simmons, and others arriving on their red carpet. The guys, meanwhile, are having trouble with the carnival atmosphere outside being so successful that it’s preventing people from coming inside. Takei points out a particularly huge lull. Several times we hear Clay Aiken asking where Paul’s big money is, although Gillette compliments Aiken’s upselling ability. The guys are trying to make some money, although it’s questionable whether Paul is actually going to deliver on what he promised.

The only real problem showcased as the shops sell product is a personality conflict between Aubrey and Debbie, although this is more on Aubrey’s side then Debbie’s. Aubrey complains that Debbie loves to hear her own voice singing her songs (which is what she was tasked with doing), so Aubrey gets a triumphant moment when she is able to steal the mic and sing with Wyclef Jean.

At one point there is a conference call with Donald Trump – each team is tasked with bringing their best sandwich to The Rachel Ray Show. Ray will pick which she thinks is the better sandwich and that team will get a bonus added to their money. The women send Gotti and Lampanelli while the guys send Arsenio Hall and Adam Carrolla. Better move on the guy’s part, sending livelier personalities (not to mention people who can get along). Ray assesses the sandwiches with her typical level of commentary: complimenting the ratio of cheese to meat to bread. Really? The textures of the women’s sandwich. Really? Ray doesn’t announce a winner but will get back to Donald.

Boardroom

(Apparently brought to us by M&Ms, as evidenced by the weak introduction to the segment by the animated brown M&M)

Trump starts off with the usual questions: who is the star, who should go home. On the women’s side, Dayana Mendoza (Miss Universe 2008) is the star. Tia Carrere (Wayne’s World) had the thankless job. Cheryl Tiegs (model) and Victoria Gotti are the weak links – Cheryl didn’t bring in much money (she announced earlier in the episode she was saving it for herself) while Victoria wasn’t a big team player (she disagreed with some of the planning and, of course, she wasn’t there and didn’t make an effort at communication when it happened.

Over on the guy’s team, Penn Gillette is the star (Penn disagrees and says it was Paul – another move to put everything on Paul’s shoulders). Paul claims he had no weak players but the Donald doesn’t buy it. Paul says it was George Takei and possibly Arsenio Hall, blaming personalities for the problem. He says George has a meek personality – did Paul ever have a real conversation with Takei? George is anything but meek, although admittedly, when I’ve met him George has had some wine in him, but still. You have to love Adam’s joke though: Paul had to pick two people to bring back to the boardroom and he managed to pick three minorities.

Trump announces that Café Metro is donating $35,000 to the sandwich Rachel Ray picked as the better one. Which did she like more? After a ridiculous cut for a commercial, it’s revealed that the guys’ sandwich was better. Hey Clay: there’s your big check!

Surprisingly without another commercial break, the numbers are announced: The women broke the record for a first episode of The Apprentice with a number around $126,900. The men managed to get $332,120 – not counting the $35k Café Metro is adding to the pot. What we didn’t see is that $305,000 of that money came from one person. So all that hard work Clay Aiken did upselling only amounted to $30,000. Both totals get added together and go to Paul’s charity of choice, the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

My wife brought up an excellent point when the show cut to a commercial break following this reveal: the disappointing thing about Celebrity Apprentice: sometimes the hard work just doesn’t matter. Paul got one person in who was willing to donate over $300,000 and his team wins. How much did it really matter how much anyone else worked? With Celebrity Apprentice it all comes down to who you know. Velasquez knew some great people, but they didn’t donate enough, and so the women stay in the boardroom while the guys head back to their suite.

The argument comes up again that the money raised should still go to the charity it was intended for. Make-a-Wish gets the money while Patricia’s charity, The Wayuu Taya Foundation, gets nothing. It’s not the first time this complaint has been made and I think it’s a very valid one, but Donald cuts off Aubrey, who is the one to voice the issue, and says it’s not going to change.

The boardroom with the ladies comes down to how many mob references can be made when fingers are pointed at Gotti. Taking a bullet, winding up in a landfill, all that’s missing is a comment about cement shoes. I hope this runs its course quickly. It’s one thing to have the audience at home snickering as they think about subtle mob references and a different one to have them overtly made on the screen. Of course, Donald Trump isn’t exactly renowned for his subtlety, so I guess this is probably what it will be like until Victoria goes. For the record, Victoria should be going home tonight, although Trump said in interviews earlier this week that she doesn’t get fired in the first week, so either the wrong person gets fired or Donald played the press. Again, lack of subtlety makes me think Patricia is probably going home just for being the team leader. My idea that she’s the wrong person to go is supported when Donald Jr. asks the team outright if the team leader should be fired and the answer is unanimously, “no.”

After far too long in the boardroom, the time comes for Patricia to choose the two she is bringing back. She stays true to what she originally says and brings back Cheryl Tiegs and Victoria Gotti. The rest of the ladies head back to meet the guys in the suite while the ladies stew in the waiting area and Trump and family pass back and forth some ridiculous banter.

The women come back in and the question comes down to fundraising: why didn’t these women bring in more money? Ivanka asks flat out if it’s possible that Cheryl or Victoria were holding back until they were project manager. After a go-round, Cheryl admits to holding back, which is probably the moment she loses this. At the same time, Trump points out that there’s a big risk in being the project manager. Trump asks each lady who they would fire. Patricia says Cheryl, Victoria says Cheryl, Cheryl admits she’s not sure this contest is right for her instead of giving up a name. The choice becomes crystal clear at that second: Cheryl Tiegs is the first to go.

Cheryl Tiegs

You’re fired.

And thus ends the first episode of the season. The ladies are now down a player, but they really looked like the team that had more dead weight to cut loose. I would expect to see the women lose the next one or two as well giving the guy’s team a lot more time to build serious conflict between members.

Time to get an early estimate from our readers: Who do you think is setting themselves up with an early advantage to win this season of Celebrity Apprentice?

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There’s not much point in straying from the setup established by the film’s trailer, because it perfectly captures the movie’s story: fellow CIA agents (and partners) FDR (Chris Pine) and Tuck (Tom Hardy) fall for the same girl, Lauren (Reese Witherspoon). While they initially enter into a “gentlemen’s agreement” to stay out of each other’s way and let her choose which one she prefers, it doesn’t take long before they are both using agency resources to spy on Lauren and meddle in each other’s dates. Their manipulations begin to cost FDR and Tuck their friendship, but all’s fair in love and war, right?

Part of the reason sticking with the trailer is a good idea is because it really does a good job of summarizing the movie. Most of the story’s big developments are captured in the advertising (except for a sub-plot about an enemy with a vendetta coming after the two agents). At the same time, the trailer doesn’t ruin the movie by spoiling its best moments. Even when the good parts have already been seen in the trailer, there’s a different shot or line that was omitted that keeps the film from being spoiled. This isn’t meant to be a review of the trailer, but it was nice to see a movie that was accurately advertised but not undermined by its own marketing.

I went into This Means War expecting it to be rather fluffy and light, especially for an action flick. It is, but there is also something of substance to the relationships, particularly between the rival friends. As their friendship deteriorates, there is almost a tragic tone to the story, despite the fact that watching the two men waste agency resources (and seeing their respective teams become so obsessed over taking the other man down) is so funny. Pine and Hardy make for a very good odd couple, distinctly different that their friendship and partnership makes sense. At the same time, the story does a good job of keeping both characters likeable, allowing the audience to root for either one of them to end up with the girl. It’s a fine line to walk, but the story and the actors handle it well.

At first I felt like this film was a little below an actress like Witherspoon. I expected to see her die a little inside as she participated in crude conversations where Chelsea Handler – playing her sister – encouraged her to slut-up and take advantage of her situation. Witherspoon handles it well though, a reminder that, for every Oscar caliber film she’s shot, she’s also done a Legally Blonde equivalent. She is diverse and commits herself to the role, and her conversations with Handler make for some of the funnier parts of the movie.

What I somehow completely missed until the end credits rolled is that This Means War comes from McG, the same man who upped the kitsch factor of Charlie’s Angels and ruined the Terminator franchise. This Means War may very well be McG’s best movie. It has all of the charm and cheese of Charlie’s Angels, but with a bit more substance. I don’t know how I missed McG’s involvement in the movie (it isn’t highlighted in the marketing) but I’m glad I did – I may have approached the film with a bit more bias than I did. Instead, I wound up liking the film quite a bit and found the director’s name a pleasant surprise.

I will concede that there isn’t a lot of originality to This Means War. The buddies vying for the same woman is an overused trope, while other elements of the film brings to mind other stories: The abuse of agency resources reminded me of True Lies while the “spy versus spy” fighting brings up Mr. & Mrs. Smith. But the thing is, I enjoyed those movies and I’m happy to say I enjoyed this picture too. It was just the right movie for a date with my wife, a cheesy but fun action rom-com with some good performances, a killer soundtrack, and a surprise at the end to find McG’s name attached. This Means War sets a good bar for 2012 popcorn flicks.

-Rafe Telsch

Let me start by making something clear: this sequel is a big improvement on the 2007 film, Ghost Rider. Sure that’s not saying much, given how horrid that first film was, but there are definite improvements over that boring piece of dreck. The biggest plus here is the titular superpowered being. In this film, Ghost Rider is much more intimidating thanks to his much more fearsome redesign and improved arsenal of powers. Plus, the Johnny Blaze side of the character is also improved, with a much more engaging revamp of his origin story (which makes the first film obsolete) and a crazed performance from Nicolas Cage that gets across just how painful it is for him to keep those powers locked up inside his human frame.

That being said, the rest of the film is pretty uneven. The direction from Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor is much more impressive than Mark Steven Johnson’s flat work on the last picture. These two were the main reasons I wanted to see this film, given their talent for absurdist balls-to-the-wall action in the Crank films. The two of them use the Red One Camera to get the most impressive shots of action that no one else would dare attempt, such as a shot from behind Idris Elba as he gets ejected off his motorcycle and thrown off a mountainside highway.

Certain performers in the cast get that manic sense of action & use it to create great hammy performances, particularly Elba, Hinds, and Johnny Whitworth. However, the rest of the cast feels so lifeless, such as Fergus Riordan’s standard dull child actor delivery, Violante Placido’s forgettable female companion role and Christopher Lambert’s totally unnecessary monk character. Then again, most of these problems are really an issue of this movie’s biggest enemy, the script. This story is muddled with so many problems, from setups that are given no payoff to countless examples of bad humor to an abrupt ending that will leave most audiences in puzzled anger. It’s really telling that a film has an awful script when Blaze’s best line is “Merry Christmas, you assholes,” (a line that I’m sure Cage made up on the spot).

It’s a shame that Spirit of Vengeance couldn’t live up to the directors behind it. The character has the potential to be used correctly for a no holds bar demonic action film, but Hollywood just seems to keep screwing it up. Unless Columbia Pictures keeps trying to hold the license to Ghost Rider out of Marvel Studios’ grasp, I doubt there will be another movie starring Cage. However, if it happens, I hope Columbia gives the script better treatment than this. Hell, just let Neveldine & Taylor write/direct a cracked out Ghost Rider movie all on their own. They’ll hopefully give him better post-kill one-liners than “Roadkill!” … and I stress the word “hopefully.”

-Thomas Mariani

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Think about it the story too hard (actually, just barely at all) and it will fall apart. It will blow away like a hand full of ash. Taken at face value, it’s a superhero tale about Johnny Blaze, a man who struck a deal with the devil and now becomes a flaming skeleton in black leather, riding a flaming motorcycle and draining sinful men of their wicked souls. The script latches onto the basest elements of the concept a runs with it. The hell with internal conflict about good versus evil; there’s no need for tormented character arcs or deep character exploration. It’s simple, stop the bad guy from destroying the world – and look great doing it.

David S. Goyer’s story for this entry into the cinematic version of Marvel’s Ghost Rider has Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage) on the run in central Europe, hiding from his past and hiding from himself. A drunken, gun-totting French monk named Moreau (Idris Elba) locates Blaze looking for “the Rider” to help him rescue and protect a young boy, Danny (Fergus Riordan), and the boy’s mother, Nadya (Violente Placido), from the very demon who made the deal with Blaze years ago – Roarke (Ciaran Hinds). Accepting Moreau’s promise to “cure” Blaze if he saves the boy, Johnny changes into the Ghost Rider, racing through the night to track down Roarke and his minions, including Ray Carrigan/Blackout (Johnny Whitworth).

Neveldine and Taylor (Crank and Gamer) bring their hyper-stylized pacing and direction to Ghost Rider and it instantly fits to the character and his cycle-riding, chain-slinging, fire-breathing antics. The camera zips along behind the Rider tearing down the open highway on his fiery motorcycle, dancing back and forth from left to right as it closes in and subsequently trails behind the blazing cycle. The frames are full of intense angles and purposefully placed perspective. There is a style to this Ghost Rider that is unique and refreshing from other superhero films. Along with giving the Ghost Rider a sense of character, attitude and humor, they give him a visual presence that’s all his own in every detail possible. His jacket bubbles from the heat and his skull itself is red hot from the flames or charred black when the fire is snuffed out. The Rider also taunts his prey, swaying back and forth, tilting his head while peering at his victims or cackling like a nightmarish madman.

They also completely understand how ridiculous the whole idea is and fully embrace it, especially with the film’s exposition. It is here that the film takes it most risky chances, which totally pay off and provide the entire film with an overarching sense of style and humor. Whether it be when the script needs to recount the origin of Johnny Blaze or illustrates the threat and character of Roarke or explains the angel/demon Zarothos, the film switches to a cartoon-styled presentation with a Nicolas Cage voice over – tongue firmly planted in its cheek. Or, it might be a totally out-of-story visualization of Blaze’s hilarious pantomiming of what happens when the Ghost Rider needs to urinate. Even the Rider himself is allowed to look back and acknowledge the humor of it. Sure, it’s adolescent, childish and immature. Again: character with a flaming skull – it’s all a matter of perspective.

None of the actors are given much beyond their one and two dimensional characters to run with. Idris Elba gets the most out of his role, infusing a roguish flair and swagger to his dialog and presence. The character itself is loosely described, ill-defined and confusing, but Elba is charismatic and enigmatic. It’s frustrating, almost criminal, how underutilized he is during the film’s run time. However, with what he is afforded, Elba makes the most of it. Violante Placido brings a seductive charm to her role as Nadya, Danny’s mother. She comes across determined, independent and strong minded. She’s no pushover, regardless of how much trouble she’s in. She’s handy with a gun and fearless. Ciaran Hinds instills an ample amount of authority and sovereignty to the role of Roarke, but his performance lacks a needed menace or threat which, regrettably, keeps the conflict between the Rider and the Devil trite and uninspired. Regardless, no one suffers through their role, each brings enough to the screen to keep things entertaining and in context, with Idris Elba being the stand out of the bunch.

Of course, what is Ghost Rider without Nicolas Cage? This is full tilt, zany, out-of-his-effin-mind, Nicolas Cage. Neveldine and Taylor set Cage free, allowing him to bounce off the walls as he sees fits. It is glorious, absurd, and mad. About as deep as it gets is Cage pondering at the camera, lips pulled back and brow beaten to resemble some sort of somber remorse – when he is called by Elba’s Moreau to confess his deepest sin; it’s painfully ridiculous but mercifully short. But that’s not the Cage, Neveldine and Taylor want here. They want the in your face Cage, the eyes wide with frenzy Cage, the voice squealing with hyper-pitched madness Cage. That Cage is unleashed, brilliantly so. When Blaze confronts a high profile European crime lord, squeezing him for information while fighting back the urge to change into the Ghost Rider, it’s pure insanity. Cage cackles, twitches, exaggerates each and every delivery. It’s pure gold, neurotic nuance, cinematic spectacle. In a change from the original Ghost Rider, Neveldine and Taylor infuse Cage’s personality, ticks and vocal acrobatics into the Rider as well.

For a converted 3D film, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is one of the better examples of its ilk. Along with other superhero films, like Marvel’s Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger, Ghost Rider provides an argument for solid post 3D conversion. It helps that the directors have an eye for perspective and framework. They are constantly setting the camera at idea positions to make the most of the foreground through background, be it when Moreau sails off his motorcycle backward in slow motion while still firing back at the automobile chasing him, or when the Ghost Rider throws his chain into the distance, or when Blaze is racing along on his motorcycle. The effects that create the Ghost Rider also benefit from the 3D. When the character is provided a close up, the skull, bone and fire dance marvelous about. The contrasts between the dark background and bright fiery flames also help the 3D pop and sizzle. The Romanian and Turkish countryside also provide a wealth of scenery to make the most of the 3D effects as well with broad and varied landscapes. It’s only when the directors yield to their kinetic tendencies and editing that the 3D begins to harm the film. The technique is unforgiving when the camera needs to zoom from shot to shot. Thankfully this fault is kept to a minimum and they do find a successful balance between their typical style and the constraints of 3D.

Structurally, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is flawed. It’s messy and preposterous. It has no interest in character development or depth of any kind. But the film is entertaining, sensational and zany. It has a refreshing sense of humor and self awareness that affords it a forgiving tone to what it fails to achieve in its literary composition. It knows it’s no Dark Knight or even Iron Man. It doesn’t want to try. This is a thirteen year old boy’s wish fulfillment fantasy in cinematic form. It’s the imagination of its visuals, the kinetic style of the directors, the unbridled manic delivery of its star, Nicolas Cage. Nothing more, nothing less. If the sight of a leather clad skeleton enveloped in fire riding a flaming motorcycle slinging a red-hot chain like a whip is your idea of entertainment and visual eye-candy, then Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is the film for you. Turn the brain off, kick back, smile and have a great time.

-Doc Rotten

Basically, there are three types of Nic Cage performances:

Bored Cage

This is the type of performance that tends to appear in more mainstream Cage fair. He’s clearly just there for a paycheck, clearly displaying a looks in his eyes that says “Why can’t I go insane right now?” There might be occasional moments of Cage oddness, but he’s mostly saddled with being a blank faced hero with Cage’s whispering delivery. This is obviously the worst kind of Cage performances, as it’s Cage at his least entertaining. When you get Nic Cage in your movie, you don’t give him the dull part.

Examples: Most of the time, this occurs in his big budget action film attempts like the National Treasure films or Knowing, though it can be seen in other films like the forgettable comedy Honeymoon in Vegas or trite pieces of Oscar bait like Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center or City of Angels.

Legit Cage

Now, this one is rare, which is a shame. Many people brush off Nic Cage as a terrible actor when it’s simply not true. Cage is capable of performances that are genuinely great. Often times, these performances come from characters who are tortured or insecure in some fashion. They rely on Cage’s ability to channel the awkward mannerisms he uses in his Insane Cage mode (see below) to emphasis the character’s loneliness or depression.

Examples: His role as an alcoholic wasting away in Leaving Las Vegas (which earned him an Oscar for Best Actor), his duel role as twin screenwriters in Adaptation (which earned him an Oscar nomination for Best Actor), his comedic yet genuine schlub role in Moonstruck.

Insane Cage (aka RAGE CAGE)

THIS is the Nic Cage we all know and love… or hate, depending on your taste. These types of performances are the most memorable, with Nic taking on a persona that boggles the mind in terms of over the top body language and bizarre speech patterns. The best part of these performances is that Cage always has a justification for his choices in terms of method acting style. He believes that these characters would wear these outlandish clothes or talk in these bizarre accents based on his own warped research. That dedication is what makes me love Cage; he puts his all into these types of performances and never looks back.

Examples: Now, there are two subcategories for these types of Cage roles; it’s either the weirdest part of an otherwise normal movie (Peggy Sue Got Married, Knowing) or he’s just another crazed element of an already insane movie (Raising Arizona, Vampire’s Kiss, Wild at Heart, Deadfall, The Wicker Man (2006), Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Kick Ass, Drive Angry and so many others).

There’s Nic Cage in a nutshell. He’s insane, boring, ludacris, idiotic, amazing, stupid, hilarious, unchained, subtle, over the top and angry all in one oddly framed being. Every time you look in those squinty eyes of his, you can’t help but wonder “What the hell is he doing… and can he do more of it?!”